Don't Should on Me!

I love the book, "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay.  I recently decided to read it again and work the exercises that she has her clients do as part of their therapy.  Louise says, and I agree, that our problems are never what they appear to be, our problem is always a lack of self-love.  Well, I have been working on loving myself for several years now.  And, as a life coach, I help other people clear out their "gunk" so that they can develop self-love as well.  I was surprised to see how much of my own "gunk" was still hanging around.  And, I am grateful that this exercise helped me uncover that gunk so that I could clear it out to make more room for love!

The first exercise is to make a list of all of your "shoulds."  For example, I should lose X pounds, I should train the dog, I should go to the gym, and so on...after I made the list, I went back over it for the next couple of nights.  I added why I thought I should be doing that particular thing, or what I thought might be keeping me from doing that particular thing.

The first time I went back over the list, I came up with "reasons" that I could not or would not do the particular item ("should') on the list.  The second time I went over the list, I did the same thing.  Only the second time I had more information.  I realized the information that I added the previous night was how I felt about the "should."  Judgements about myself and/or what I thought other people thought of me with regard to the "should."  Reading back over the information that I had added to the "should," I could see that fear was the root cause of why I couldn't or wouldn't do the "should." 

But, of what was I afraid?  Well, that too amounted to the same thing in every instance.  I was not enough.  Thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, brave enough...good enough.  I realized I was being very critical of myself, and all that I accomplished was making myself feel bad about me!  And, that translates into not loving the self. 

Louise feels, "...should is one of the most damaging words in our language.  Every time we use should, we are, in effect, saying "wrong."  Either we are wrong, or we were wrong, or we are going to be wrong."  I agree with her, in that we have enough wrongs in our lives already.  We certainly don't need more.  Let's just say, "I could, if I really wanted to."  And, leave it at that.

All of our "shoulds" are based on a belief that we have about something.  Where did those beliefs come from?  Are they true?  Most of our beliefs were given to us by our parents or other people who influenced us during our formative years.  They're not even ours!   But, that's a topic for another day... 

Meanwhile, do the "should" exercise.  You will learn what really makes you tick...and once you learn that, you can begin to change who you are that very moment.  Even someone who loves themselves can always love themself more.

You get what you give

If we dwell on our mistakes, are critical of the way we look and carry ourselves without confidence, others will see us the same way. The problem is on the inside. Here is an example of the principle taken from the Bible:


"And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight. (Numbers 13:33)
If you want to be successful, you must first see yourself as successful. If you want to be well liked, like yourself! If you want loving relationships, love yourself. You cannot give what you do not have...

Exercise/innercise

No matter what "The Problem" appears to be on the outside, when we get right down to the heart of the matter the issue is always the same...we are not good enough.  At least that is what we subconsciously feel about ourselves.  Why?  Negative thoughts replaying.  Where did they come from?  Usually our parents. 

It's not where they came from that is important.  It's what they are.  What did your parents say about money? Your talents? Intellect? Love? Relationships? And, so on.  Make a list of all the things you can remember.  Relax and get comfortable.  Close your eyes.  Their words will come back to you. 

Look over the list.  What are the negative messages you heard growing up?  Those are your beliefs!  Those seemingly harmless words are putting limits on your life!  Our present circumstances were formed by our past thoughts.  Our future is being formed by our present thoughts. 

Now get to work, think back to the negative messages you were subjected to as a child...from relatives, teachers, unofficial church teachings, friends.  All those negative messages replaying makes you feel "not good enough."

The beliefs we have about ourselves based on these negative messages replaying have to be removed from our minds.  If you are broke, it is only because of the negative messages replaying.  If you have relationship problems, it is only because of the negative messages replaying.  And, those can be cleared out!  Once we clear them out, our lives will "work!"

How can we clear them out?  By changing our thought patterns.  One way to do this is by positive affirmations.  Write down the opposite of the negative memory replaying in your mind.  Read it several times a day...keep it running through your mind.  Especially right before you fall asleep at night.  That gives your subconscious 8 hours to marinate on the positive replacement thought.  Also, it is my understanding that the mind can handle ten affirmations at a time.  Do this everyday for 40 days.  Yes, 40.  I'll blog on the reason for the magic number of 40 another day...but, for now just trust me and do it for 40 days.  Then ask yourself if you still believe the negative message?  If not, start working on replacing another negative message with a positive affirmation. 

Another way to clear out the negative messages replaying in our minds is by "declarations."  Saying the positive replacement statement out loud.  For instance, the negative message replaying is, "You can't be spiritual AND rich." Put your hand over your heart so that you can feel your vibration (remember, the Law of Attraction is the Law of Vibration) as you speak, raise your right arm as if to testify, and say something like, "God has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness." (2 Peter 1:3)  Declare your positive replacements several times a day and right before you go to sleep.  Again, do this for 40 days.

For more information, I recommend Louise Hay's book "You Can Heal Your Life."  It is life changing.