ADD Love

In the movie, Jerry Maguire, Tom Cruise tells Renee Zellweger’s character, "You complete me." That phrase actually is based upon scripture. However, we must love ourselves before we are capable of loving another person. Women as a collective bunch seem to be very independent until they meet a man they are attracted to, when they begin to change their focus. Then they begin to ask themselves, “What do I need to do to keep this man?” Consciously or unconsciously, they formulate at an answer and set about trying to become whatever they have decided it takes to keep the man. They should be saying "what has this man got that will enable him to keep me?” How many women have thought during a breakup, "Why am I not good enough to keep this man?" It is a lack of self-love. Women seem to suffer more from this lack of self-esteem than do men. Garth Brooks voiced his observation of this phenomenon in one of his daughters to Oprah this week. I suppose that is what prompted me to ponder this lack of self-love, yet again.

There are as many reasons for lack of self-love as there are suffering loveless individuals. One cause that I have observed, both in my personal life and in my work is Attention Deficit Disorder (A.D.D.) I have Adult A.D.D., and have spent the past ten years learning how to manage it, and now assist others in developing strategies to manage life with the blessing of A.D.D. as well. That’s right. It’s not a typo. ADD is not a curse. It is a blessing. Once you understand it. But, here's the big deal with ADD and relationships: the person with ADD cannot long exist in a comfortable relationship because they will soon throw themselves into crisis. The person with A.D.D. creates chaos where chaos does not exist. I hear someone aptly say that we do this because is juices our brain! The person in the relationship without the the A.D.D. is confused and frustrated and soon calls it quits. Leaving the unaware A.D.D.er feeling “not good enough” once again. This is the pattern of their lives. It’s starts in childhood with, “Why did you do that!” “Apply yourself!” “Your room looks like a pig sty.” “Stop daydreaming…” And, on and on…It continues into adulthood. It is not something that is “grown out of.” Many learn coping skills and manage life quite well. Many more are not so fortunate. Many sufferers are not even aware that there are millions of people just like them. They suffer in silence. They are impulsive, compulsive, anxious, depressed, etc. No two have exactly the same symptoms. They all have certain patterns of behaviors.

For instance: we are high maintenance. We don't like to go to bed. Though many of us don’t need nearly the amount of sleep that “normal people” do, we don't get enough restful sleep. We eat on the fly. We overeat under stress. We all need a coach (thus I became one!) We must find the right job working for the right person and with the right people. We are looking for the right now, the quick fix. We are exhausted because we have so many things going that we know we cannot complete. We may appear uncaring and disinterested. We are angry. We are cluttered and disorganized. We need simple. We need sparse. We need fewer choices. We need tools to survive...then we thrive! We can go longer, be stronger, build bigger, jump higher, think faster, learn more, do more, be more. But, most individuals with A.D.D. do not know this. They just feel "not good enough." Or crazy. Either way, there is a lack of self-love.

It is my prayer that as part of my life’s mission, I will be able to use my experiences to continue to help these misunderstood individuals rise out of the ashes and, like the mighty Phoenix bird…FLY!

P.S. I recommend this book: You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy, written for individuals with Adult A.D.D. by individuals with Adult A.D.D.